man I need to get back on here. I have been on face book everyday I forgot about all of you. dont worry I'll be back. Soon

giveaway!!

get on over here for a chance to win a really cute bag and please say you came from here

I really love the green bag  what is your favorite?

have I ever told you every time I make a friend they move away. So the last few years I have been backing away from meeting or trying to get any new close friends but I did and guess what they moved away. So lets see the person I have known the longest is in Florida she went for very good reasons and I encouraged her, I miss her every day but she is in a good place except when one of us needs a ((hug)). The next person whom I was friends with both her and her husband divorced she moved to N.C. and promised to stay in touch, (nope didn't happen, I tried to reconnect a couple of times recently I tracked her down thru her sons facebook sometimes she responds most of the time not) When she left I stayed very close to her ex we were like brother and sister and I to this day think of him that way and will love him that way until I die a couple of years ago almost now he just stopped communicating with me I sent his kids cards for every birthday, his wife, him their anniversary and got nothing like I didn't exist. Then I meet a new friend through the sister of Rays friend she was the coolest and funnest ever but now she is in Tenn. and the communication is fading. I had to find out her husband is coming up in a couple of weeks on their website I feel like I've lost them too. 

I have other friends now and I'm scared they will move away so to cope I find my self pulling away even though I really don't want to. I have taken every bit of overtime at work I can a double yesterday on my day off, and another on Friday, and next Sunday I work my day off again. yeah we need the money but at the same time I'm lonely. Kinda goes along with my last post of being tired of people maybe I'm really just getting tired of being left. OK I'm done with my sobby but this is why I don't get close to people anymore and am trying to separate myself I cant and wont get hurt any more. Ray always says he wishes I had more friends but I have him and mike and Jamie what more do I need they cant every really leave they are stuck with me.

I do have to say the last couple of weeks with mike have been absolutely wonderful. he is doing great. this week is school vaca we had Monday off together and went out to lunch. I worked Tuesday but Wednesday morning we laid around bed snuggled laughed and talked and I cried after, he said why are you crying mom and all I could say is I love you more every day buddy don't ever forget that because mommy wont. 

well I took an ambien before I started this and I think its starting to work I'm typing slower. Sorry this post is so blah but this is how I feel later. 

update on Friday: just found out another friend is moving to florida in a couple of weeks her daughter is having her first baby she is going down to visit and after the baby is settled she is coming back for her stuff. hey Kat if you see lou lou she will be in Tampa so dont be shocked LOL.

I'm tired

I am tired, tired of councelers, tired of schools, tired of work, tired of cleaning, just tired. I havent been around much visiting friends when I'm not working I'm running to appointments for everything. Yesterday I had to meet with the school phychologist at 745 she is doing a new psych test on Mike, my urinary physical therapist at 11, pick up michael and bring him to the dentist at 1pm. Then at 5 Mikes counceler came over the house to work with us as a family. I kinda snapped at her. by the time she got here I had enough. She said something and I snapped at her I didnt mean to but I really want things back the way they were before Christmas when it was us and the dr only taking care of Michael.

yeah he has a team working for him at school now but really I think this is all to much. the counceler thinks him not wanting to do his homework is an underlying statement about how he feels about himself. mmm you know before he had the reaction to the med we didnt have this "team" and all was good this is all starting to get overwhelming. This Friday we go meet with the psychologist again and if he doesnt spend more then 10 minutes getting to know mike and just plays with his meds and sends us on our way again I'm done. I was given a pamphet for a place in portland I might try and that is a might. Can the kid have to many people working for him. He has his teacher, the behavior specialist, the guidence counceler, the principal,vs principal, school nurse all on his school team. the regular counceler and his psychiotrist. and of course somewhere in all this do where do Ray and I get our say. I feel like we are losing our grip as parents with all this imput I just want to go back to the way it was.
Most of these people dont know him, but they all say they want to help.

now can you understand why I'm done, I have to go do my homework now, just got home from the gym which has become my outlet, I just want to sit here have a good cry and go back to the way things were.
ok I'm done venting later

just a quck update things are going better. Mikes meds are working but kinda making his tummy upset. we will bring that up at the next appointment. I turned in my first assignment for school and the teacher said great post. So that felt great. Ray and I have both been working a ton of hours just to make ends meet, we are just crossing our fingers for a decent income tax return to get caught up them maybe we can stay afloat and slow down a little.
I will post more when I have something interesting.

aaaahh why can husbands be such a pain in the ass sometimes. I love Ray more than life itself the only thing he does that drives me nuts is procrastinate and blow little things off HE doesnt think is importand but this time I'm ugly so I'm going to post instead of get in a fight does that make sense.
I went to work at 8am this morning to work a double till 9pm. I talked to Ray at 330 he was home, hadnt gotten Mike yet I said make sure the homework gets done. I got busy and called around 9 as I was getting out of work. Asked how was mikes day he said it sounded ok. I couldnt find his behavior sheets in his bag. I asked did he do his homework, Ray says yeah all but one page. Honey did you check the homework book. Yup he says. I just got home guess what. Mike has 3+ sheets to do in the am before we go to the dentist and then to school and oh his behavior sheets were in the front pockets with a note for us on how Bad his day was. but no he didnt find them and did they go to tae kwon do. you guessed it yup they did because Ray wanted to. could mike have missed his class for being bad at school and used that time for the homework yes he could have but did Ray look in all the pockets nope. ahhhhhh I'm so fustrated Mikes meds take a little while to kick in and start working and I have to deal with this in the morning. Last week Mike got in trouble because his homework wasnt finished and he told the truth, he told ray he had more to do and Ray said he couldnt find it so he got mad at mike, well mike told the teacher I told dad I had more and he said no which was the truth the teacher didnt believe him and sent him to the principals office who called dad, who admitted he was wrong and mike had told him. but it was wrong for him to put mike through that also.
ok I'm done venting I'm going to get my alarm clock and sleep in the spare room so I can get Mike up early get his meds into him and get the homework done.

happy new year

Welcome my first post of 2009 yeah the new year was over a week ago but it has been a super crazy couple of weeks. To start off Michael is doing great Christmas with him at home was the best ever, the new med he is on is really helping this coming Friday we meet with the new kid shrink who I think will increase the dose a touch more than what he is on and add a small dose adhd but we were told to expect that at the hospital so its not a surprise. Last week he was in much better spirits but still hyper and not he's being an 8 yr old boy hyper he is still bouncing off the walls but he was happy hyper so that was OK we can deal with some of that. He is such a smart little bugger. Here is a picture of Mike and Jamie at my moms Christmas afternoon I was working but Ray got me a picture.

I put in a crapload of hours the last couple of weeks so that should help with the bills after we get my dad paid off for fixing my truck we cant start on the Cc's that we got too high balances on that is our goal get all the CC's paid of in the next couple of years so I can get my little farm and Ray can get his little hunting spot.
The best news of all is this guess what I did Friday I registered for an online college course to finish my degree in Criminal Justice. Yeah for me I'm going back to school. mmm maybe I should explain back in 1993 I was in College at southern Maine tech for Law Enforcement Technology when I met my ex. Not my daughters father but my ex who ruined 7 years of my life and I had gave up everything for him and quit college the December of my second year of my Associates Degree. Who wants to see someone taking law classes while in an emotionally/physically abusive relationship. All these year later and with the luck of having the best husband I have my life and my dreams back. Ray supported me quitting my last job and taking a huge pay cut to become a police dispatcher and at this job I realize I can do everything I had ever dreamed of and gave up. My high school career of choice from the age of 16 was to be a game warden when I quit college I never thought it was possible. Since I got this job I have been doing some research on the requirements. One of them is a physical agility test which I started going to the gym and train for Nov 1st my goal is to do a 5k race and take the physical part of the test in June. and tho its not required for the job I don't think having my degree would hurt. Now all these years I thought I needed 5-6 classes to graduate. Well last week I called and had them do some research and new new program at SMCC is call Criminal Justice not Law Enforcement tech and I only need 3 yes 3 classes to get my degree so I begged my meme for help on the first payment, and last Friday I stood in line for 4 hours signed up, made my first of 3 payments and bought my book for one of the courses I needed, Its intro to criminology and at least if I get stuck I have an entire building full of guys to help me out. Yeah I'm excited, I'm going to try and take my Lit class over the summer and my last science class w/lab next fall and that's it I get my piece of paper.
And today I had to drive to Boston to pick Jamie up at Logan. I haven't seen her since last June around her 18Th birthday, when she told me she didn't need me anymore but I guess mom is good enough for a ride home which I really didn't mind maybe she will start coming around if not for me but for Michael. He was with me today for the Long ride and my mom came along to keep me company and to watch for signs for me. Jamie was very polite maybe its a start.
OK hows that for a makeup post. 2009 will be all about the good things. I am going to do whats best for me and my goals and pray that everyone stays healthy and working.
I leave you with a picture of Sara our pesty beagle.