Mainiax: I'm still here

Sunday, October 09, 2005

I'm still here

Been a really busy week kinda. I went for a second interview for the job I applied for on Thursday. Then Friday my guys went away they headed up north to visit MIL for the weekend Michael has mon,tues off from school so Ray took them off as well so they could go bird hunting a couple of extra day.
Katy my dads girlfriend called me at work Friday and said she wanted to go out and get drunk so I took her out and man did she drink. She is from Texas and her accent gets really obvious with a few drinks. I had to bring her home at 9, she was hooting and hollering it was really funny.
Saturday I had to work. Then I sat around and watched stupid Saturday afternoon movies.I wanted to go hunting but it has been raining here since Friday. I took a hot shower and was hunger. So for the first time ever I went out to dinner in a real restaurant by myself. I felt like everyone was watching me it was kinda creepy but I did it. Then I went to see my friend Lou at the bar and had a cup of tea with her after a big meal I just didn't feel like drinking.
Today I got up and it was still poring. My mom was going to go to the fair with me today but she has water in her basement so she couldn't go. So I took off around 9 and headed up by myself. I walked all around they have a new building that is all spinning and knitting vendors. I talked to a lady for awhile about spinning wheels she has a shop about an hour north of me that I will probably be going to when I'm ready to buy one. Then I looked at angora rabbits that's what I want to do get a couple of rabbits and spin their fur.
Then I ran into the one person in this world that used to give me nightmares. My ex husband not my daughters father he is cool but the man I had married after him and before Ray. He is an abuser of the worse kind he is very mentally abusive. He would belittle and humiliated me all the time. After 3 years he escalated to the physical side. I knew he would be working the fair he comes up every year from NY to work here, I just didn't know how I would feel about it. And you know what I felt nothing for the first time ever. No fear, no love, no regrets, nothing it was like running into an old friend from high school. Its weird to describe after being with him for 5 years it was like they never happened. Like a big gap in my life. He did look like shit maybe that helped, or the fact that he works at a hotel and is proud of it. He has no car still walks everywhere and still drinks and does drugs. The first words out of his mouth were Shelly Belly how are you, do you miss me yet. That was the name he used to call me to remind me I was fat and nobody but him would ever want me. He was so wrong I found love and he made me realize how good I have it with Ray and how much I do love Ray.
When I left the fair I did a few groceries, came home and just talked to my hubby and son on the phone. When I hung up I cried cuz I just love them so much and today to me was a reminder of just how much.
I should hear about the job some time this week please cross your fingers for me ok.


At 9:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Shell, I'm so glad that you can be that way about ex. i wish I could. I still have nightmares about the shit my ex did to me.
I'm glad you found some happiness in the weekend you were having.
I will be home all day tomorrow, monday, call me from work when you can get away with it and we'll talk about everything and shit.
I love ya Shell. Miss ya tons too. Thanksgiving is looking like a definite. i will let you know more. Can I stay with you instead of my moms?...lmao


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