Mainiax: long sad post

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

long sad post

I have something that has been bothering me for awhile that I havent felt like writing about but now I feel I have to get it out or I'm going to explode.
I have been sad for awhile about stuff. I shouldnt complain I have a good life, I love my husband and children, I have a roof over my head and a job that pays the bills Kinda.
But something is missing I really dont have many friends, I mean I do but not that live here. I have nobody to do things with and no real shoulder to cry on if I need it. I do have my friend lou but she is the kind of friend that never wants to go out and do anything. She works, lays around the house and reads better homes and gardens. and she is not very dependable, she will say she will do something but never show up. But she is just being Lou and I accept her for the way she is and I still love her.
Now if you have been reading my blog for awhile you'll remember when I first started writing my dad had a really cool girlfriend from Texas well they had some problems about a year or so ago and she moved away. Two months ago she came back he went out there and drove her here with all her stuff. Now last thursday I find out that he all of a sudden doesnt think it will work for them and he wants her to go away. She had become my friend, we did crafts together talked every day,she was the only one in my family to know about the cervical stuff I went thru, were going to the craft fair together, and since they have been back together I have seen my dad more than I did the entire time that she was gone. When I found she was leaving it ripped my heart apart. Another friend was going away. Its like I"m not allowed to have a friend. I cried so much last Thursday that my eyes were all puffy friday when I got to work. Luckily I had a cold so I blamed it on that. I stopped my dad the other night and pretty much told him he is a loser. That he shouldnt have brought her back if he wasnt sure. Michael loves her so much and calls her nana, I told him dont ever introduce Michael to another woman later and expect him to just accept her like he did with katy. Katy is his nana and he is not going to understand why she is gone. I told dad I am not going to keep breaking this little kids heart or my own. That he didnt understand by what he is doing to them also affects my family. I was mean but I told him exactly how I felt. That he moved back to Maine from Idaho cuz he missed Jamie growing up and he wanted to be around Michael. But that is exactly what he doesnt do. Without nana we never see him. She keeps us grounded as a family.
So after all of this I am really upset, So I call my mom and she actually says I dont understand why you are so upset its his life. I only called her for someone to listen and I couldnt even get that. She told me to leave it alone and to tell dad I'm upset that he doesnt spend time with us not about katy. Mom just doesnt get the fact that Katy is my friend not just dads girlfriend.
So lately I cant help but feel sorry for myself I thought that going to Boston alone I might teach myself that I can do things alone and still have a good time. I think all it did was get me more depressed that I am alone. I saw all these woman with there friends laughing and talking and I sat alone. I had to keep fighting off tears.
I know it will be ok but it seams like everything I try backfires. I tried to go to a knit and sip at a coffee house that I saw advertised and they weren't open no sign about a cancellation nothing. Then I wanted to take a spinning class to meet new people and MIL took the spinning wheel away. I am lucky that Ray is so supportive he rubbed my back when I was crying and encourages me to try stuff and I want to but I am at the point that I just want to give up trying. Stay in my safe little world and accept that this is my boring life.

There are other things too that make me sad but this post is long enough and if you've made it this far you are probably pretty bored so I'll end here. Later.


At 3:42 AM, Blogger dan said...

you've got a lot to deal with there.

shame about things not running too smoothly with your dad and his girlfriend.

i can understand your mom's view but know how cutting that would be.

it must be hard on michael as well. do kids really understand what's going off? i think they do.

keep your chin up, m. you've just got to keep battling on.

At 10:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm sorry I live so far away. I wish I could come back there but with my body the way it is, I simply can't. It would kill me. We'd see each other, from the couch or bed with blankets and heating pads on me. :(
God Shell, why didn't you call me??? I'm home 99% of the time. I know a phone call isn't the same but you can call me anytime day or night and cry to me. It's ok. I want you to do that shit girl! I miss you tons ya know. ((((hugs)))


At 6:25 AM, Blogger dan said...

hope you okay m,

not heard from you in a while


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